Making the decision to lead a healthier life 5-ish months ago seemed easy- momentarily. I knew (and still do know) what I wanted- to lose weight and be healthy for FOREVER!!! I was sick of the weight loss battle- my weight was up one month, down the next and I was done with that cyclical pattern. The beginning of weight loss, in my opinion, is the easiest part. It IS difficult in the sense of trying to ignore cravings, and stopping yourself when a binge would usually take place. But it is "easy" in the sense that you have ample amounts of motivation to be healthy and lose weight. I find, in my personal experience, the further along into my weight loss I go, the more difficult it is. Hence, why I always gained back the weight I lost, and then some.
I don't keep "bad" foods in the house- and by "bad" I mean processed, high sugar snacks/cookies/chips/soda/etc...I do have snack foods since I have a 2 1/2 year old- but we purchase whole grain, good-for-you foods. However, any food, when eaten gluttonously, becomes "bad" in the sense that you're consuming far too many calories, no matter how whole grain or low fat something is. (I'm pretty sure the only exception to this rule is celery...) Five months in to my new healthy lifestyle, I am struggling with this. Have been for a couple days now. I eat foods that are good for me, but too much of them. I finally took some time today to figure out why (after all, over-eating is merely a cover up an underlying issue).
I am exhausted, for one, with my seven month old STILL getting up 3-5 times per night wanting to nurse, and spending the last two nights being awake for 1 1/2-2 hours straight in the middle of the night; and when I am this worn down, all I want to do is sleep (which I can't since I have two kids) or lay on the couch and read. When I feel this lazy, it reminds me of how I acted previously- laying lazily on the couch while eating handful after handful of some carb-y snack and I revert back to this mindset mentally when I feel this run down and "lazy". This exhaustion also zaps me of all motivation to work out- because when my daughters' coinciding nap time comes around, the time I usually spend on the elliptical or strength training, all I want to do is go to sleep. Or lay on the couch and eat.
Secondly, I am dealing with a lot in my personal relationships- this puts a TON of emotional strain on me, and what do I want to do when I have a load of emotions just sitting, waiting to be dealt with? I want to eat. Eating is comforting- it's proven to release a chemical in our brain that makes us feel momentarily comforted (I learned this tidbit from a wonderful counselor whom I saw for 2 1/2 years). The key word there is momentarily. When I overeat, whether I overeat whole grain crackers, trail mix, or cereal, I don't feel great about myself afterwards. Maybe for the following five minutes, but after that I feel guilty and frustrated with myself for essentially backtracking on all of my hard work! And the worst part is, the eating doesn't erase what is bothering me- it doesn't solve my problems or heal my emotional distress; all of those issues are looming over me when the sugar-induced "happy"feeling wears off.
So what do I do after two days of poor portion choices? I count calories. Counting calories is a guaranteed wake-up call for me. I write down everything I eat and add it up after every meal and snack (or at the end of the day if my children aren't acting particularly well behaved :)). This shocks me into realizing just how much I am consuming, and how unnecessary it all is. After calorie counting for a week or two (I calorie counted for two weeks at the beginning of my weight loss to get control over my daily caloric intake and give myself a good idea of how much I should/n't be eating) I will stop the calorie counting, BUT at that point I am well aware of how big a portion of trail mix is, or how many calories is in the average handful of pretzel sticks. I know, I know, no one wants to track calories. But that, in my experience, and the experience of those around me, is because people don't want to know how many calories they are eating! Easier to live in denial about how bad it is, than to face the truth. That's why I avoided it! And other family members/friends of mine agree- if they're being completely honest. I used all the excuses in the book too- I don't have time, I have two kids, it's too hard...blah blah, blah. But the truth is, I just didn't want to know how awful it was. I didn't want to see that I was eating hundreds of calories over what I needed to be. In truth, it takes less than thirty seconds to write down what you eat; it takes less than a minute to calculate your totals (unless I do it in my head and not a calculator...then that takes a while); and it's not that hard to look on the back of a product and measure out a correct portion size. I just used all of those things as excuses to I wouldn't have to see the real truth.
I have been calorie counting all day today, and am about to make myself a huge salad for lunch (careful on the toppings and dressing!) and have been chewing gum in between meals and snacks to cut back the desire to binge, and I am feeling much, much better about myself and my weight loss goal again. Sometimes, I make mistakes, let my emotions take control, and allow food to become the solution. But if I work hard again for a couple of days, get myself back on track, I won't have ruined everything I have worked so hard for.
And I look forward to the day when I don't "fall off the wagon" and I don't have to work hard at this...I know hard work now means payoff later...and I can't wait for later...
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