Getting Healthy- It's a Choice!

I hesitated posting this entry because I don't ever want to offend anyone with my writing (I'm incredibly non-controversial). So I will just begin by saying that I am not a doctor, nor do have I completed scientific studies on my "findings"; I am a person who struggles on a daily basis with control over food and I am writing about my experience. Disclaimer over.

The beginning of my weight loss was much easier (I find that the beginning of weight loss programs tend to be when most people are strongest in their resolve to be healthy) than the point I have reached now. I have lost a significant amount of weight, (in my humble opinion), and am down to a size ten, but I'm still not near my goal. My stomach is still too soft and nowhere near flat (thank you over-eating while pregnant x2). And I would like to lose the "soft" look on my face and the extra flab on my triceps area (my sister is getting married this summer, so sleeveless dresses and lots of pictures are in my near future).

I have learned a very valuable lesson over these last few months. I have to VERY CONSCIOUSLY choose to not overeat. I don't indulge in sweets all the time (I bake maybe once a week with my daughter). I overeat the healthy stuff. Yes, that is possible! I used to believe if it was whole grain, or lean protein, or "healthy" trail mix, that my quantities were unlimited. NOT. AT. ALL. Healthy foods still contain calories!!!!!!! You can still gain weight when eating whole grains, lean proteins, etc...I have not gained back any weight, but I am not losing it as fast as I should be (in my opinion "fast"= 1.5-2.5 pounds per week; any more than that will be easily gained back; usually plus some). And I know why. I choose to ignore the fact that I have consumed a serving size of something, and eat more. Binging is a serious problem for me because I use eating as a method of drowning my emotional issues. I choose to say "oh, I NEED something sweet" after a meal, and eat it, when in reality, NO ONE NEEDS TO HAVE ANY PROCESSED SUGAR E.V.E.R. Now, I'm not saying that I will never, ever indulge in the occasional decadent dessert, but really, our bodies have no need for processed sugars. Our whole lives can be lived without brownies, cake, cheesecake, cookies, etc, and nothing detrimental would happen to our health. I, however, have allowed myself to believe, after years of binge eating, that I NEED something sweet after a meal, and that I NEED to eat more than a handful of crackers as part of my snack.

It is a horrible habit, and it is ridiculously difficult to break myself of this mentality. I love to eat so much that when I have a rough day with my argumentative three-year-old, I have a small brownie...then another when she won't stop throwing a fit, then another when, after 45 minutes, she opens her door and screams down the hall as loud as she can...none of it was necessary. And I feel guilty after about 30 seconds. I get so angry and frustrated with myself for losing self control.

All in all, I am learning to re-train my brain. When I crave something, I have to very sternly tell myself, NO, you absolutely do not need that. It's just food. It's not going to solve my problems or make me feel better. On the contrary, after over-indulging I will feel guilty and awful and more fat than I did prior to eating! After 20+ years of "eating my emotions" this is incredibly arduous. And I fail. All the time. But I pick myself up again, and tell myself to keep trying. One day soon, it will be natural. I won't be fighting my urges to overeat, I won't have them at all! And I can't wait for that day.

Motivation

Motivation can be a tricky thing during weight loss. For the better part of my life I have used food as a motivating tool for myself, and that obviously didn't work. I am diligently working on making food fuel for my body, not using it as an anti-depressant/tool for avoiding my emotions. Therefore, using food as a reward just isn't a possibility anymore and I have found multiple other ways of motivating myself instead. Today I am writing about just one of the many things I have discovered motivate me to lose weight.

I purchased a dress about 10 months ago (I had just given birth to my beautiful second daughter who is now almost nine months old) that I wanted to wear for the summer. Beautiful and flowy (or so I thought), it was a single shoulder dress that I thought would be flattering for my tummy, since I had just had a baby. You see, I hate trying things on and so I guessed which size I would need. I guessed a size 10, which was what I had been, pre-pregnancy. It was far too tight and clung in all the wrong places. I tried it on a few months later, after losing some weight, and it still looked far too snug. I just tried it on today. Not only is it not too fitting tightly, but it is LOOSE and flowy and YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!! I was so incredibly happy when I put it on today and it actually fit properly; something as simple as fitting in to a dress makes me feel like all the hard work I'm putting in is actually paying off!

I think, for me, one of the best motivational tools for staying healthy is my love for clothing. Let me start by telling you my closet is ridiculous. I have more clothes that I should because my tops range is size from Medium to XL and my bottoms/dresses go from a size eight up to a size 12 and all sizes in between. Why? Because in the past I have not been able to keep my weight under control and I fluctuated constantly between an eight and a 12. I never threw away my other sizes "in case" I lost/gained the weight once again. Which I did. Repeatedly.

As frustrating as it was, it was my own fault. I was only after temporary fixes, fast diets, and whatever got me instant results. Then I would inevitably "fail" at my diets and gain back all the weight I had lost, sometimes plus more. And by keeping my "heavier" clothes, I was giving myself the option to fail.

Not anymore. I know for a fact, that this healthier lifestyle is exactly that. A LIFEstyle. I will eat healthier for life. I will lead an active lifestyle for the rest of my life. And as soon as I reach a goal weight/size I will donate all of the clothes that are too big for me, because I WILL NOT revert back to how I have been in the past. I want to be one size and stop fluctuating.

My ultimate prize at the end of this weight loss is a new wardrobe. I don't have an exact weight in mind, or size for that matter, but I know I want to not be jiggly and soft. I want to have a toned, tight tummy (yay for alliterations! Yep, I'm an English nerd.) and arms that don't jiggle when I wave. I want to not have a double chin in pictures if they're taken at a weird angle (weight gain is definitely evident in my face). And once I reach that goal, I get to purchase myself a new wardrobe, full of clothes I'll be proud to wear! I can't wait to not have to buy shirts that "flow" at just the right place to hide my tummy; I am excited to be able to wear tank tops/strapless dresses without worrying about my arms looking too "soft". I can't wait to be able to take pictures with my kids all the time and be in home videos without worrying that I will look fat.

I love fashion. I love clothes. I love shoes. And I can't wait to have a body that fits better and more comfortably in to the styles I love. And that is one of the many reasons (although probably one of the more materialistic reasons I have) I retain for motivation along this journey to a healthier life.

Asian Style Chicken and Veggie Stir Fry

I would like to begin by saying, 1) I am not by any means a professional food photographer so I apologize for the amateur photo! 2) I don't have a great/fancy camera, so I attempted to get a picture with all the textures showing but my camera isn't of the nicest quality!

This is just a simple recipe that I make when I am having one of those "I don't have anything in the house to eat" days...my husband was due home from work soon and I needed to get dinner made a.s.a.p. with my two year old and eight month old running rampant around my disaster of a house.

I almost always have peppers in my house- they are one of my favorite vegetables to cook with! I also happened to have snap peas and mushrooms for this dish (I have even substituted with cut up fresh green beans). Anyway, I cook up some chicken, add in whatever veggies I have and serve over brown rice/noodles/quinoa/cous cous/whatever carb I happen to have available.

Here is the basic version of the recipe I use:

1- 1.5 lb boneless, skinless chicken breast cut into bite sized pieces*
1/4c minced onion
2 cups sliced mushrooms (I just buy the pre-sliced ones from Trader Joes)
2 bell peppers sliced thinly
2 cups sugar snap peas
2 tsp minced garlic (I used the kind that comes pre-minced in a jar)
1/2 tsp grated fresh ginger
1-2 TB olive oil
salt and pepper to taste
Asian style sauce (I use Soy-Vay's Teriyaki Sauce)

*I find chicken to be much easier to cut up into small pieces when it's still somewhat frozen! Just a helpful tip :)

-Heat olive oil in large skillet and saute minced onion until soft, about 3 minutes; add chicken breast pieces along with garlic and ginger. Season with some salt and pepper.
-Add in the mushrooms first (I like to cook mine down a bit before adding the extra veggies because I like my peppers and snap peas somewhat crisp) and cook until fragrant and softened slightly
-Add in peppers and snap peas (at this point I add more oil if the pan is dry) and saute until desired softness is reached (I usually only cook for about three minutes because I like my veggies crisp not soft)
-Pour whatever Asian style sauce you like over the veggies and chicken (I have also used Sweet&Sour, General Tso's, Teriyaki...) I usually only use 2-4 TB of sauce; cook and stir constantly until sauce has thickened and coated all other ingredients.

Serve over brown rice or pasta!

Four Pounds!

I meant to write about this a week ago, but life in general has prompted me to repeatedly forget to post about it!

Let me start by saying that I very rarely weigh myself. I don't own a scale, and I don't regularly attend a gym, so I seldom know what I weigh. I weighed myself about once a week when I was home in CO for a month during the holidays since my parents own a scale. And aside from that, I am only weighed when I happen to go to the doctor. I usually just go with how my clothes fit. I used to be obsessive about weighing myself almost daily, and it was not a good cycle for me. I would be so upset if I hadn't lost any weight and, realistically, I shouldn't have been losing a pound a day anyway. It's not healthy to do it that way in my opinion, and it never stayed off for me if I did lose weight that quickly. That is why I decided to not purchase a scale.

I weighed 184.2 when I left CO, the last week of December, and as of a week and a half ago, at a doctor's appointment, I weighed 179.8! Yay!!! FOUR MORE POUNDS!!! I average about a pound a week, from what I have calculated, and I have not gained any weight back that I have lost so far! Slow and steady wins the race :)

At this rate, by the end of June, if I continue to lose one pound per week, I will have lost twenty more pounds, putting me around 159- I haven't been below the mid 160's in....well let's just say, it's been a while! I will see how I look and feel at that weight, then decide if I feel I could lose a few more pounds or if I'm satisfied at that point. I haven't been that "low" in weight in a long while and so I can't wait to see how transformed my body is at that point!

Controlling my eating still isn't super easy for me...I still have days when I struggle, especially when I'm feeling stressed/anxious, my go-to stress-reliever is eating...but I'm working hard! And when I get to see the scale creep slowly backwards, and know I am not, and will not, regain that weight again, I am so proud of myself and it motivates me to keep going!

Exercise!!!!!

The key to working out on a regular basis, for me, is finding something that I don't mind doing five days a week! I used to go on Tae Bo sprees, or do Jillian Michael's 20 minute power workouts, and I even tried P90X...but I got bored with all of those...I would power through the dvds a few times a week then I would get bored and not do any form of working out at all.

Pre-babies and husband, I worked out at the gym- ALL THE TIME (when I was in the weight loss phase of my weight cycle). I would be at the gym for at least 1 1/2 hours and most days 2 hours. Once I got married and had kids, the time I had spent at the gym was spent with people I love instead. Thus the intense weight loss/gain swings.

I don't like the gym now. Unless I have a babysitter (which we can't afford and I know no one here yet) I won't go. I know gyms have the childcare areas but, I'll be honest, I'm a germaphobe and don't want to put my kids in there for hours. I also don't like that I have to spend time to make myself look decent, drive to the gym, and drive back, all wasting the precious little time I have to work out.

So, a little over a year ago, we purchased an elliptical off of craigslist. It's nothing fancy, was only $400, and squeaks a bit, but it folds up and fits perfectly in the corner of my living room.

Every day, during my girls' coinciding nap time, I pull it out of the corner, plug it in, set up one of my recorded shows from the night before, and get moving! I love the fact that I can watch my favorite tv programs while getting a good workout in. I love that I don't have to look presentable, and that I can hop off and get right into my own shower and not have to drive home from a gym. For me, this is ideal. I would much rather get my workouts done in the comforts of my own home, where I can watch whatever shows I want (the gyms I used to attend always seemed to have news shows on...not very distracting for me 15 minutes in to a tough elliptical session), wear whatever I want, and not have to waste time driving.

I do at least 30 minutes on the elliptical, three to five times per week. Some days I do a low resistance level and keep my speed high, some days I do a high resistance with low speed. Some days, if I have had a "baking" day with my daughter, I add an extra fifteen minutes to help burn off the cupcake I ate. I do a two minute cool down at the end to bring my heart rate down slowly. Some weeks, I add in strength training two days per week (I usually do the strength training on Tuesdays and Fridays as it makes me pretty sore). Some weeks I have zero energy and the strength training seems too daunting so I just do the elliptical. I always ask myself though, "do I really have no energy (thanks to my 7 month old who still is up all-the-time at night)? Or am I being lazy?" because the strength training I do is quite difficult to me!

When I say "strength" training, I am referring to a thirty-minute workout that mainly uses my own body weight, as I don't have a bunch of free weights laying around at home. I start by doing one of the following- two minutes of "nose to the grindstone push ups*" (I'll explain below what these are) OR one minute of jumping jacks- to get my heart rate up. Following that exercise, I do a series of lower ab/oblique workouts, butt workouts, and squats (I'll also do something for triceps if I start with jumping jacks). Then I go back to the jumping jacks or push ups for another one to two minutes and continue that cycle for thirty minutes.

I also started doing a half and half day- I do fifteen hard minutes on the elliptical, then fifteen minutes of strength training.

I know sometimes, right before a workout, you don't want to do it. The couch and a snack seem soooooooo appealing, especially after dealing with kiddos all day- but I try and remind myself of how great I always feel once I'm done. Post workout I always feel better about my image, my health, and I feel accomplished.

I am definitely not a Professional Personal Trainer- these are just the things that work for me on a regular basis. Do-able exercises that I can commit to and am not dreading day after day. And when the weather warms up, I love to get out with my girls and be active outdoors as well! I just know that the more effort I put in, the faster I will reach my goal, and THAT is what motivates me to put on my tennis shoes and pull out that elliptical day after day!!!

*Nose the the grindstone push ups- I learned these when I was home in CO for the holidays; my parents have Comcast Cable in their home, and under the "sports and fitness" section they have TONS of free workout videos! I found a quick 20 minute one, and the "nose to the grindstone" move is the beginning of the workout. Anyway, here is how it's done:

-Stand up straight with your arms up and fingertips pointed to the ceiling.
-Bend your knees and go straight out to a push up position (I lack enough upper body strength to do a real push up so I go to my knees then do the push up, keeping my butt down and going down as far as I can so I work my triceps and chest)
-Push yourself up from your push up back to the "bent knee position"
-Then stand straight up again, fingertips to the ceiling!

Trust me, after two minutes of these, I'm feeling the burn!!!

Learning to Love Vegetables

As a child, the main vegetables I encountered were the canned version- aside from fresh corn when it was in season, and "salads" from a chain restaurant known as "SouperSalad". I put the word salad in quotes because my "salad" consisted of more toppings and dressing than actual greens.

Once I made the decision to live a healthier lifestyle, I knew I had to learn a different approach to vegetables. In my adult years I mainly ate canned green beans and unhealthy salads, if I ate vegetables at all. I never really experimented with fresh veggies- until now.

I have learned that vegetables don't have to be boring; that they can in fact be delicious!

I have discovered that carrot sticks dipped in hummus brings them in to a whole new realm of deliciousness. My all-time favorite hummus is Trader Joe's Cilantro & Jalapeno Hummus. It has such bold flavors that you don't feel the need to scoop more than necessary, and the spice from the jalapeno adds a tasty kick of flavor!

I know now that green beans don't have to be squishy and dumped from a can to your plate- they can be snappy, bright, and tasty- topped with a bit of lemon! Or salty with a bit of sweet from an Asian-inspired sauce! Or simply roasted, or sauteed with a bit of olive oil and a spicy honey mustard dipping sauce!

Salads don't have to be boring! I always make sure to measure my dressing still (it's WAY too easy to over-do it) and my favorites are Hidden Valley Light Ranch (80 calories for 2 TB) and Trader Joe's Asian Style Spicy Peanut Vinaigrette (70 calories for 2 TB). I have loved ranch for years, but the original version is sooooooo high calorie- Hidden Valley's Light version tastes the most like regular ranch in my opinion! The Asian Style Spicy Peanut Vinaigrette is DELICIOUS. It is sweet with a spicy undercurrent and tastes amazing over a bed of romaine! Speaking of Romaine...that is my "green" of choice. I have a very hard time with any darker greens than this...I'm working on learning to even like them, but so far, it's a no-go...it's a textural thing for me! My favorite toppings for my Romaine Lettuce are chopped almonds, sunflower seeds, and hard boiled eggs (sans the yellow inside- I don't like egg yolks).

Peppers. Bell Peppers are just yummy! I don't eat them raw often, but they are great in a bit of Light Ranch or hummus. I mainly use peppers in my eggs, or in a stir fry. For my breakfast, every day I eat 3 egg whites (egg whites are only 17 calories each! And a great source of protein!) and every once in a while I add some chopped peppers to increase my daily veggie intake. For dinners, I like to slice peppers in to strips and add them to some snap peas, mushrooms, onion, ginger and garlic for an Asian style dish. I also use LOTS of pepper strips in my fajitas or other Mexican-style dishes! And tossed in some olive oil, seasoned with salt and pepper, and roasted on the grill, peppers have a delicious sweet/smoky flavor!

I am still learning, every day. I try to look up recipes online and modify them to be healthier- less oil, more herbs/flavors. I try things that I didn't like as a kid- our taste buds change the older we get (mine have at least!). I also look at other "health food" blogs to get ideas from other healthy eaters that might spike some inspiration in me! Vegetables can be delightful- the secret is experimenting with different techniques and methods of seasoning to bring out flavors you love!

Struggling with change

Making the decision to lead a healthier life 5-ish months ago seemed easy- momentarily. I knew (and still do know) what I wanted- to lose weight and be healthy for FOREVER!!! I was sick of the weight loss battle- my weight was up one month, down the next and I was done with that cyclical pattern. The beginning of weight loss, in my opinion, is the easiest part. It IS difficult in the sense of trying to ignore cravings, and stopping yourself when a binge would usually take place. But it is "easy" in the sense that you have ample amounts of motivation to be healthy and lose weight. I find, in my personal experience, the further along into my weight loss I go, the more difficult it is. Hence, why I always gained back the weight I lost, and then some.

 I don't keep "bad" foods in the house- and by "bad" I mean processed, high sugar snacks/cookies/chips/soda/etc...I do have snack foods since I have a 2 1/2 year old- but we purchase whole grain, good-for-you foods. However, any food, when eaten gluttonously, becomes "bad" in the sense that you're consuming far too many calories, no matter how whole grain or low fat something is. (I'm pretty sure the only exception to this rule is celery...) Five months in to my new healthy lifestyle, I am struggling with this. Have been for a couple days now. I eat foods that are good for me, but too much of them. I finally took some time today to figure out why (after all, over-eating is merely a cover up an underlying issue).

I am exhausted, for one, with my seven month old STILL getting up 3-5 times per night wanting to nurse, and spending the last two nights being awake for 1 1/2-2 hours straight in the middle of the night; and when I am this worn down, all I want to do is sleep (which I can't since I have two kids) or lay on the couch and read. When I feel this lazy, it reminds me of how I acted previously- laying lazily on the couch while eating handful after handful of some carb-y snack and I revert back to this mindset mentally when I feel this run down and "lazy". This exhaustion also zaps me of all motivation to work out- because when my daughters' coinciding nap time comes around, the time I usually spend on the elliptical or strength training, all I want to do is go to sleep. Or lay on the couch and eat.

Secondly, I am dealing with a lot in my personal relationships- this puts a TON of emotional strain on me, and what do I want to do when I have a load of emotions just sitting, waiting to be dealt with? I want to eat. Eating is comforting- it's proven to release a chemical in our brain that makes us feel momentarily comforted (I learned this tidbit from a wonderful counselor whom I saw for 2 1/2 years). The key word there is momentarily. When I overeat, whether I overeat whole grain crackers, trail mix, or cereal, I don't feel great about myself afterwards. Maybe for the following five minutes, but after that I feel guilty and frustrated with myself for essentially backtracking on all of my hard work! And the worst part is, the eating doesn't erase what is bothering me- it doesn't solve my problems or heal my emotional distress; all of those issues are looming over me when the sugar-induced "happy"feeling wears off.

So what do I do after two days of poor portion choices? I count calories. Counting calories is a guaranteed wake-up call for me. I write down everything I eat and add it up after every meal and snack (or at the end of the day if my children aren't acting particularly well behaved :)). This shocks me into realizing just how much I am consuming, and how unnecessary it all is. After calorie counting for a week or two (I calorie counted for two weeks at the beginning of my weight loss to get control over my daily caloric intake and give myself a good idea of how much I should/n't be eating) I will stop the calorie counting, BUT at that point I am well aware of how big a portion of trail mix is, or how many calories is in the average handful of pretzel sticks. I know, I know, no one wants to track calories. But that, in my experience, and the experience of those around me, is because people don't want to know how  many calories they are eating! Easier to live in denial about how bad it is, than to face the truth. That's why I avoided it! And other family members/friends of mine agree- if they're being completely honest. I used all the excuses in the book too- I don't have time, I have two kids, it's too hard...blah blah, blah. But the truth is, I just didn't want to know how awful it was. I didn't want to see that I was eating hundreds of calories over what I needed to be. In truth, it takes less than thirty seconds to write down what you eat; it takes less than a minute to calculate your totals (unless I do it in my head and not a calculator...then that takes a while); and it's not that hard to look on the back of a product and measure out a correct portion size. I just used all of those things as excuses to I wouldn't have to see the real truth.

I have been calorie counting all day today, and am about to make myself a huge salad for lunch (careful on the toppings and dressing!) and have been chewing gum in between meals and snacks to cut back the desire to binge, and I am feeling much, much better about myself and my weight loss goal again. Sometimes, I make mistakes, let my emotions take control, and allow food to become the solution. But if I work hard again for a couple of days, get myself back on track, I won't have ruined everything I have worked so hard for.

And I look forward to the day when I don't "fall off the wagon" and I don't have to work hard at this...I know hard work now means payoff later...and I can't wait for later...

Why I decided to start this blog...

Why did I decide to start this blog? You may ask yourself this as you read, and I am here to give you an answer! I chose to create this blog to put my limited, albeit expanding, knowledge of healthy living out there for anyone else who has struggled to lose weight and maintain said weight loss. I don't know if anyone really reads through my posts, or cares. But I have high hopes that some day, someone will happen upon this blog and read it, and it will give them inspiration of some sort. I am most certainly not a trained professional, nor do I consider myself an expert on matters of health; I am merely attempting to put myself, and my stories out there, to give hope to anyone who might need it, advice to those who would like it, and some answers and ideas to those with questions.

I love writing, I love eating, and I love learning how to be healthy. I have struggled with my weight my entire adult life and I know I am not alone in this battle. I don't mind being open and putting myself out there for those who choose to read- I am hoping my stories will help in some minuscule way!

I know I am not a professional, and I am most definitely not trying to get up on my high-horse and talk down to anyone. I am simply a person, going through an experience that I know many can relate to, and sharing my journey along the way. I enjoy writing about the little tid-bits I learn throughout this voyage, and I hope that some of my self-realizations can assist others in the sometimes-difficult path to becoming healthy- for life.

I will always be honest with my struggles, because no one is perfect, just as no weight loss battle is perfect- and I don't want to present myself as someone who thinks this whole "healthy for life" thing is simple. Some pieces of it are less complicated for me, some are much more challenging- I just want to be honest when I write about what works for me, and what hasn't.

I want to share my self discoveries with you all: I recently realized that I had the wrong idea about those who are thin- I believed that all thin people were just born with self discipline (which some are I'm sure!) and the ability to resist eating half a batch of cookies at once. But I was wrong- many people work very, very hard to learn self control, and I was thinking that they had it easy just inherently "knowing" self discipline with food. I know now that, for me, I have to teach myself to stand firm against that extra brownie (or three) and it's not easy. But it's worth it! I know there are a lot of myths out there, in my opinion, about weight loss and maintenance and I am attempting to present my opinion on some of them due to my personal experiences.

So to sum it all up- I just want to share my experiences with anyone who wants to read them and I will be honest and open about this journey and I hope anyone reading thoroughly enjoys themselves and doesn't hesitate to ask questions or make comments! If you're out there, reading, thanks :)

My journey so far...

About five months ago, I made a very conscious decision to change my eating lifestyle. I, like many I know, have always struggled with weight maintenance. I would get down to a great weight, then gain it all back, plus some. Story of my life. Until now.

Let's start from the beginning. I began gaining weight after high school. During the course of a bad relationship I put on forty pounds- which I then lost after the tumultuous breakup. Being single again, I took time to "find myself" if you will, and spent hours at the gym after work, getting in the best shape of my life. After some serious "single time" I met someone, a man who is now my loving husband. But we all know what tends to happen when we fall in love- you want to spend all your time with that person, thus neglecting the gym for lying around watching movies, cuddling, and EATING. I put on twenty of the pounds I had lost. Then, after a quick wedding (I'll delve more into our relationship in another post- but for now just say, he was in the Army, deploying in less than a year, so we decided to do it quickly) I put on over 70 pounds with my first pregnancy. SEVENTY POUNDS. I was well over 200 at that point (I'll take the chance to insert that I'm 5'8"), I think I was 245 if I'm remembering correctly. That's waaaaaaay more than the average female is supposed to gain during pregnancy. The "average" weight a pregnant woman is supposed to gain is around 30 pounds, less if you're overweight. So I doubled that weight, plus some. My daughter was two months old when my husband deployed to Afghanistan. I initially lost some weight with my post-partum depression plus the depression from my husband leaving. Once the initial pain of him leaving was lifted, I started emotionally eating, which didn't help me lose any baby weight. The only reason I didn't gain even more weight was because I was breastfeeding and produced tons of milk (for those of you who don't know, you burn an average of 500 calories a day breastfeeding, more in my case since I WAY overproduced). I was living back with my parents to save money and pay off our car, and credit cards for the beginning of his deployment, so I did not have many healthy eating options, as my teenage sister still lived there and my mom kept the house supplied with ample sugary "easy" snacks.

My husband came home on R&R after four months and I was down to around 190 pounds. I gained back a few while he was home, lots of eating out, and then for the remaining nine months of his deployment, I lost almost thirty more pounds. I ate less, ate very few carbs, and did lots of working out- at the gym I did cardio and weight training, at home I did P90X. Once my husband came home, I quickly, and I'm talking within four months, gained twenty pounds. I stopped working out and eating healthy because I LOVE cooking and baking and wanted to make him many delicious things since he had been so deprived of tasty foods for a year. I stopped working out since I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. After gaining that twenty pounds back, I was at 185 and we decided to have another baby. I "only" gained 50 pounds this time, which put me back up at 235.

After I had our second daughter, we moved from Colorado, my home for over 18 years, to Ohio, where I had never been. I took the move really hard- I had an incredibly difficult six-week old and a 2 1/2 year old and I was exhausted, still hormonal from having a brand new baby, and missing my family and anyone/anything familiar. I ate worse than I ever had before- I would eat a king size pack of Reese's on my way home from the grocery store, then eat half of a red velvet ice cream cake later that night. Plus five pieces of pizza for dinner, soda, and who knows what else. I had veered completely out of control. My moment of realization came about a month later when my mom was out visiting. I was attempting to get dressed for a date with  my husband, when I finally looked in the mirror. Up until that point, for the whole two months I had been in Ohio, I hadn't looked in a full length mirror. We were living in a hotel for a while that didn't have one, then once we moved into our home, I had just avoided uncovering the one we had in our bedroom. And when I looked into it that day, getting ready for our date, I realized I still looked pregnant. Really pregnant. And I was just so angry with myself for letting myself go yet again that I decided to  make a change. I decided that day that I was done with binge eating and junk food.

The last few months have not been a walk in the park, but they haven't been so awful I can't stand them. I make sure half my plate at dinner is covered with a vegetable or a salad, which I eat before my protein or carb. I only eat whole wheat pastas, brown rice, and other whole grain carbs. No white breads or rice for me. I eat lean proteins, and in moderation. I started tracking my calories for a couple of weeks to see how much I was really consuming. I have an elliptical (nothing fancy, one we found on craigslist for $400) and I work out 3-5 times a week (five times more often than not).

I have lost 51 pounds as of three weeks ago. I am down to 184. I don't have a scale at home. I had weighed myself when I was home in Colorado for the holidays. I was terrified to stay at my parent's house during the holidays especially because of all of the bad food. I learned to eat sweets in moderation. I still love chocolate. I still make mistakes. But then, after I have had one or two too many cookies, I make my next choice a healthy one. I just recently started to bake again. And now, after I've had one or two delectable warm cookies straight from the oven, I freeze the rest so I can pull out a small amount at a time.

Losing weight, for good, keeping it off, isn't easy. There is no "secret". It's hard work, learning to have control over food, pushing myself to exercise when I don't want to, realizing healthy food can be delicious, learning to love vegetables...but it's all worth it. My face and arms don't look so chubby in pictures anymore, so I am now included in pictures with my girls instead of taking pictures of just them. I am not as "tired" all the time (although my seven-month old still isn't sleeping through the night) and have more energy for my husband and kids. I fit back into my old jeans again and am not just wearing "stretchy" pants every day.

I still have a ways to go- I would like to lose forty more pounds or so to get to a comfortable weight. Even when I was in the mid to lower 160's I still had some weight to give. I don't want/need to look like a stick, but I want to be healthy. To not jiggle in multiple places on my body. To be able to wear things that don't cut in to my "love handles". I have a long term goal though. I don't expect it to happen overnight or in a month or two- when I started my weight loss, I gave myself a year to get to a goal weight. I don't have an exact number in mind. I'll know it when I get there.

These changes take time. So don't be discouraged! And don't try to do everything at once! I built up habits over twenty-plus years and I don't expect them to change immediately. I realized that every single diet I did had failed because it wasn't realistic. I would lose some weight then gain it all back, plus some. I know now that a LIFESTYLE change was necessary, not some diet that would never stick. I had to decide- be healthy for forever, or binge eat, on and off for the rest of my life and keep being fat, then thinner, then even heavier, then thinner again....and I chose to be healthy. I CHOOSE to be healthy. Every day.